An Open Letter To Kevin Youkilis

Hey Youk,

How's it going? First, let me say I'm a big fan. I love your passion for the game, your versatility in the field, even that crazy goatee. And what's up with that batting stance?

But that's not why I'm writing this letter. No. Youk, I'm writing to help you. It's about last night's fight. You see, Youk, I was a little embarrassed for you. When you first got plunked and decided to charge the mound, I was really excited, thinking you were going to throw that lightweight rookie pitcher a beatdown. But once you got out there . . . well, Youk, there's no easy way to say this . . . it was like you were a graduate from the Judy Garland School of Girl Fighting.

First, you threw your helmet at him. I really have no problem with that action; he threw a rock more than 90-miles-an-hour near your squash. But the fact is you shouldn't have needed to. You, sir, are a jacked-up corner infielder. He is a skinny pitcher who probably would have whooped by everyone on GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies Of Wrestling). Instead, you should have been throwing him around and then throwing punches down.

Of course, it soon became apparent why you threw your helmet at him: You had no idea what you were doing. Maybe you were just never in a scrape as a kid. Maybe your dad never wrestled with you. Maybe you've never even seen a fight because you're not that into violence. Whatever the reason, you looked completely lost. After throwing your helmet at him, I expected a tackle/takedown. Instead, you lunged at his upper body, making it easy for the skinny wimp to judo-flip you onto your back. Not smooth. You should have wrapped up his lower body and taken him down.

But I'm not writing this to criticize you, Youk. I'm writing this to help. Before you decide to charge the mound again (which, given your performance last night, you probably shouldn't), you need to start watching something called UFC. It stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship, Youk. You probably haven't heard of it, Youk, but it's pretty big. Watch it and think about how they approach guys. They don't go in arms flailing like those girls in your third-grade class, Youk. They have technique.

Thanks to the internet, I've embedded a video of Randy Couture for you to study. Once you've studied this, search for other videos of guys like George St. Pierre, Dan Henderson and Sean Sherk. Their takedown approaches should help you if you ever decide to charge the mound again. But take time to practice it -- maybe start with a little guy like Pedroia, then move on to someone a little bigger, like Jason Bay, before you graduate with a Big Papi, or even a Jim Rice if he's walking around the clubhouse.

And, if you ever want to use J.D. Drew as a practice dummy, feel free.